Because of you
by mabelreid
Summary: Multi chapter song fic of the same name. Reid gets the news that his mother has had a stroke and he must deal with the possibility of her death. Reid Centric
1. The Call

_A/n hello everyone. This is going to be a multi chapter song fic partially based on Kelly Clarkson's single, "Because of you." Please let me know what you think as you always do. As always a big thanks goes out to my excellent beta REIDFANATIC, for all of her help and support._

_Disclaimer: Only unrecognizable characters are owned by me. No copyright infringement of CM or the song "Because of you," is intended with this posting._

_**I will not make the same mistakes that you did. I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery. I will not break, the way you did. You fell so hard; I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far **_

_**The Call**_

The conference room off the bullpen of Chicago's fifteenth precinct was unusually quiet as the team busied itself with their latest serial murder. This was the third victim since the team had arrived a week ago, and they were getting nowhere.

The stale smell of coffee, and a tiny whiff of sugar from the ever present and ever cliché donuts wafted in anytime someone opened the door, as did the sound of officers on the phone, screams from detainees for their lawyers, and the sobs of victims looking for the ever elusive justice for all that never seemed to be meant for them.

Rossi was scouring the case files with Hotch, trying to find anything they missed with victimology. Morgan and Prentiss were talking to the victims' families, and JJ was talking to the detective who was primary on the case.

Reid straightened up from his crouched position in front of the city's map. The new victims should have made the job of a geographical profile easier, but he wasn't getting anywhere with it.

He looked at his watch and decided that enough was enough. It was time to call in the big guns. It was time to call in Garcia and her babies.

"_You've reached the all seeing and all knowing Penelope Garcia, speak fortunate mortal." _

"Hey Garcia, I need your help."

"_I'm flattered sweet cheeks. What can I do for ya?"_

"I need help with a geographical profile. It's not fitting together the way it should."

"_You sound frustrated gorgeous, I can't have that now can I. What's got you confused?"_

"All the victims…"

His phone beeped, interrupting them with another incoming call. A very familiar number flashed on the caller id. "Hey Garcia… I've got another call coming in. I have to take it." He hung up on her and took the call.

"This is Dr. Reid." Nervous knots twisted in his gut like tangled rope.

"Dr Reid… This is Dr. Sarah Halcom. Your mother had a stroke this morning."

Reid had stuck a finger in his ear, and didn't hear Hotch call out to him when he left, white faced and shaking.

"How is she? Will she be okay? What's her condition?" He asked without waiting for a response.

"I'd rather get into that in person. Can you come?"

"Ah - yeah… I'll be there as soon as I can."

He shut his phone, and leaned up against the white painted block walls of the police station. He ignored the cops and suspects, and various other personnel that passed him in the hall. They openly stared at him, but for once in his life he didn't see their eyes.

_Get a grip Spencer; she's going to be okay. The doctor didn't say how bad the stroke was._

_Then why did she say she needed to see you in person. It has to be really bad it she wants you to come out to Bennington. Oh God…_

His breathing was speeding up to the point that his vision was beginning to get fuzzy, and he felt so dizzy and sick to his stomach he nearly fainted… would have fainted if someone hadn't grabbed his arm and steered him into an interrogation room.

"My God… Spence what happened." She asked pushing him down into a chair.

He had to ignore her question in favor of putting his head between his knees. His stomach hurt and the nausea wouldn't go away, just like all the thoughts and questions that were battling for dominance in his head.

"Hey… Do you want some water?"

He straightened up slowly and took the paper cup of water JJ had brought him. It tasted cool and it stayed down, even though his stomach still wanted to jump out of his gut.

JJ sat down across the table and watched him silently sip the water till it was gone. "Is everything ok?" She asked tentatively.

"Yeah… ah - no… I have to go to Nevada." He stood up, swaying a bit, still feeling dizzy and breathless.

"Nevada, but Spence…"

"My m-mom had an s-stroke. I h-have to go." He left her staring after him for a long minute, till she realized someone needed to tell Hotch.

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The cab sped through downtown Chicago toward O'Hare Airport. It's only occupant besides the driver stared out the window at the passing buildings. There were people in the apartments and town homes, turning on lights as they got home from jobs. They would be making dinner, or going out to eat just like any other family.

_Just like a normal family, you mean. You never had a normal family, did you?_

Yeah… he had a normal family once, or what passed for one for awhile, but then his father left. His mother got lost inside herself, and then it was just him trying to survive in a world made for adults, not skinny, nearsighted kids with giant intellects.

His phone buzzed impatiently at him interrupting his thoughts with its demands. "Reid," He answered mechanically.

"_Reid… its Hotch, Are you alright? JJ told me your mother is ill. _

"Yeah… I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm on my way to the airport. I have to see her. They won't tell me over the phone how she is. That means its bad right!"

"_You don't know that Reid. You should've told me, I'd have sent you on the jet."_

"It's okay Hotch; I'll take a commercial flight. I don't know how long I'll be gone."

"_Don't worry about that. Call me when you know something."_

"Okay…"

His phone went back into his pocket as the cab pulled up to the curb in front of the automatic doors to the concourse. All the way through checking in, and then waiting for the flight, he was in a fog, doing everything out of habit.

His seat in first class was next to the window. He didn't have a seat mate which he didn't even care about. He stared out the window and tried to ignore the feeling of terrible emptiness in his stomach. He should have gone to see her more often. He shouldn't have insulted her with daily letters that were trite and didn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. He should have stayed closer to her and taken a job that would allow him to see her every week. She must hate him for neglecting her and now…

_Stop it! You don't know what condition she's in. She's probably had a mild stroke and the doctor is being overly cautious._

He didn't pay attention to the pilot announcing take off or the safety lecture at the beginning of the flight. He didn't feel the plane take off with a swooping sensation in his stomach, or hear the roar of the engines as they taxied down the runway.

He went over and over again the causes of a stroke, blockages, clots, or a vessel bursting in the brain. Which had it been? He didn't know. Why wouldn't they tell him over the phone?

Statistics about the death rate and recovery rate of stroke victims wouldn't leave his head and he didn't hear the flight attendant ask him if he wanted a drink. She took a closer look at the white and sunken face with circles so dark under his eyes, he looked like a corpse.

_Something bad happened, maybe someone died. That's why he's on this flight! _

She made a mental note to let the other attendants know to leave him alone unless he signaled for one of them. Her mother died just last year and she knew that look from her own mirror.

The plane landed hours later and after negotiating the crowded airport full of tourists and businessmen, he made his way to the baggage claim area and then out to hail a cab. The cabbie tried to get him to talk, but Reid ignored him. The man eventually stopped trying and lapsed into comfortable silence. Not everyone was talkative to cabbies and he was cool with that.

The lights of the city didn't faze him as they did the 30 million visitors that crowded its streets every year. The purples, golds and reds of the signs flashing on and off, didn't catch his eyes the way it had when he was a little boy. The only thing he could see was the face of his mother when she screamed at him for his betrayal in putting her into Bennington.

The cab finally came to a stop in front of the hotel JJ had booked for him, along with his flight. He didn't know what he would do without her help. It was a pretty impressive hotel, and his room was much larger, and more elaborate than he'd ever stayed in with the team on a case.

The interior was decorated in blues and greens. It was a full suite with a living room and bedroom. The bedspread on the big king sized bed was patterned in blue, gold and white with matching pillow shams and a big fluffy comforter folded at the foot of the bed. The bed stood on a raised platform, and to the left was a large picture window that didn't open. High rollers stayed in this room and Reid wondered briefly what JJ was thinking booking a room like this on the corporate card. The window didn't open since high rollers were known at times to take a high dive out hotel windows, and end up on the eleven o clock news.

The bellboy had unlocked the door and was arranging the luggage on a rack next to the closet. His uniform was dark blue with gold braiding at the shoulders. He wore a matching cap on his mop of orange hair. His freckled face was so fresh that Reid was sure he was about five minutes out of high school.

The young man moved to open one of the bags when Spencer stopped him. "Leave it," He handed the man a tip that was more than enough to make up for his tone, and the young man tipped his cap and left Spencer alone.

The bathroom was to the right and had an enormous triangle shaped jetted tub. There was a long black marble counter top with gold inlay and gold fixtures. There were all kinds of bath and toiletries lining it and a coffee pot with gourmet coffee for brewing in the morning.

At the other end of the room from the bed was a large carved cabinet that opened onto a flat screen TV and DVD player. There was a selection of all the latest moviesstacked to one side. He finished looking around the room, noting the location of a desk and a couple of comfortable looking chairs and a sofa all done in matching sea tones.

_Stop stalling and go hail a cab. You don't know how much longer she has to live! _

The truth of his situation hit him like a ton of bricks. They wouldn't have called him here like this if it wasn't serious or even fatal. Here he was wasting time just like always, but something wouldn't let his feet move back toward the door.

_Yeah… you don't want to see her even now. You should be disgusted with yourself. She's your mother! _

The voice in his head was right. He was a disgrace as a son. He left his luggage, but clutched his messenger bag to his chest like a life preserver as he left the room and headed to the elevator.

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The cab left him off in front of the University Hospital where his mother had been transferred from Bennington Sanitarium. He headed into Admissions and was directed to the seventh floor and to ICU. The nurse at the desk when he stepped off the elevator instructed him to wait in the family waiting room for Dr. Pramjit Singh, the neurologist, to come speak with him.

"I'm a doctor and I took care of my mother for most of my childhood. You can tell me what I need to know without the doctor." Reid insisted, leaving out the part that he wasn't a medical doctor on purpose.

The nurse frowned up at him. Everyone said doctors made the worst patients, when in reality they were the worst emergency contacts to deal with. They wanted information yesterday and waiting for the doctor in charge of the case wasn't what they wanted to hear.

"Dr Reid… I'm sure the Dr. Singh can give you more detailed information than…"

"I hope your not bothering the staff," a musical male voice said from his left.

Reid turned to see a man several inches shorter than himself approach the desk. He had dark eyes and dark skin. He wore the usual white coat over a tailored suit and white dress shirt. His tie was conservative and muted in color. His teeth were blindingly white and he smiled kindly at Reid, before showing him to the empty waiting room.

"Dr. Singh… I don't have time for pleasantries. The doctor in charge of my mother's case at Bennington calls me and tells me she had a stroke and nothing else. What is her condition?" He demanded ignoring the doctor's suggestion that he sit down.

"She was brought in when Dr. Halcom determined that your mother required emergent care at this facility. At that time she failed the Cincinnati Pre-hospital Stroke Scale. When she arrived here, she was unconscious and unresponsive to stimuli. We've determined that her stroke was ischemic. She's in a coma. There has been loss of most of her motor function and she's blind. We think your mother maybe able to hear you. We're optimistic for some partial recovery."

"How optimistic," Reid asked, his own voice sounded so far away, it was like an echo fading away over the hills and mountains.

"You should prepare yourself for anything. Now… let me take you to her." He said kindly.

Yeah… anything was better than sitting in this room that was white walled and beige colored in its furnishings with magazines scattered around and on top of wooden end table. There was a television in one corner and he wondered who could focus on a TV in this room. The chairs and couches looked comfortable in their ugly pea green upholstering, but he doubted it.

The doctor led him down more hallways that were white washed. The floors were more sepia colored tiled and their shoes squeaked on them as they walked to the end of the hallway. The antiseptic smell of the place made his raw stomach protest once more.

Dr. Singh turned left and opened the door in front of them. This was it this was the room his mother was in. God… walking in there and seeing her was the hardest thing he'd ever done. The white curtain that ran on a semi circular track around the bed was pulled back. She lay there with a ventilator tube forcing air into her lungs. Her chest rose and fell in rhythmic time to the hiss and click of the machines around her. There was a low blip on the heart monitor, fed by the leads attached to various places on her chest and back. An intravenous line infused into her left hand and her eyes were open and staring at something so far away. Maybe she was looking back to happier times.

"I'll leave you alone." The doctor said and left the room.

Reid could only stand there and look down at her. Her once beautiful and abundant blond hair was still cut short around her head. Her eyes… He couldn't bear to look into her eyes. Instead he sat down in the chair next to the bed and took one of her hands in his. It was warm to the touch. The callous on the second finger of her right hand was just a prominent as he remembered.

"Hi Mom… It's Spencer."


	2. A good memory

_A/n hey everyone, I just wanted to thank all of you for your wonderful comments for the last chapter. Also thank you to all who added this to your favorites and alerts. Thank to my wonderful beta REIDFANATIC for all of her help and suggestions. _

_Disclaimer: Only my characters belong to me, everything else belongs to CBS. _

_**Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust Not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid .**_

_**A good memory.**_

Reid could only stand there and look down at her. Her once beautiful and abundant blond hair was still cut short around her head. Her eyes… He couldn't bear to look into her eyes. Instead he sat down in the chair next to the bed and took one of her hands in his. It was warm to the touch. The callous on the second finger of her right hand was just a prominent as he remembered.

"Hi Mom… It's Spencer."

There was no movement in her hand, or any sign of recognition in her slack face and sightless eyes. "Mom… I know you can't see me, but the doctor said you can hear me. Please wake up and say something, anything!"

There was only the sound of the ventilator hissing and pushing air into his mother's lungs. He took the chair next to her bed and sat down. What else could he say to her? The doctor said she might be able to hear him, but could she understand any better then the last time he saw her?

"M-mom… P-please don't l-leave me. I'm n-not ready for t-that yet. There are s-so many t-things I want to s-say to you. I'm s-so s-sorry that I had to m-make you go to Bennington. I j-just couldn't d-do it anymore. Please f-forgive m-me!

His throat and eyes were beginning to sting, and tears to fall out of his eyes. One of them hit her hand, but she didn't flinch at the contact with the wetness.

"M-mom I don't know h-how…" He couldn't keep speaking, it was too hard and it hurt too much.

He wanted her to wake, and maybe the stroke would have worked a miracle and killed that part of her brain that was the schizophrenia. Then she'd be okay. The blindness wouldn't be permanent. He'd stay with her as long as it took for her to recover, and then she could come to Washington. Georgetown University would be a great place for her to teach. They would be lucky to have her.

He regained enough of his composure to tell her all about the things they would do when she was well again. A part of his brain tried to reason with him, to remind him of all the statistics of stoke and recovery, but he pushed it down and made it go away. Her hand in his, still warm and alive, was a talisman against thoughts he didn't want to face. The feel of her hand began to pull at a long forgotten memory of a beautiful day, before things got really bad.

"_Spencer… Why are you hiding up here? It's much to hot to sit up here in your room with a book." His mother's voice pulled him away from "A Midsummer's Night Dream." _

_She stood in the doorway, her long hair down around her shoulders and in full soft waves around her face. The eight year old boy in front of her thought she looked like an angel. _

"_Come on… it's a beautiful summer day, and I've finished planning my next lecture for the summer workshop. I'm very anxious to get out of this house and spend some time in the sun."_

"_Where will we go mom." Spencer asked. He dropped the leather bound copy of Shakespeare's play his mother had given him for his last birthday."_

"_I thought we could go down to the park and have a picnic. What do you say?"_

"_Is Dad coming with us?" _

_A shadow fell over his mother's face before she rallied and smiled brightly at him. "No… he had to work today. Lawyers don't get time off in the summer."_

_Spencer didn't question her because it would hurt both of them, but he knew his dad could take time off for his family if he wanted to. Spencer decided to smile for his mom and go to the park without hoping his Dad might change his mind. _

"_Ok… the park sounds good."_

_Diana Reid was a pretty good cook when she had the time, and when her "moods" as she called them didn't interfere with her ability to produce meals or even function. Today was a very good day! She made chicken salad sandwiches with just a little dill the way they both liked it. She added apples and oranges to the basket, and some oatmeal cookies. Spencer put a couple of bottles of water in the wooden container with cloth napkins that were red and white checked. There was a multi-colored plaid blanket, and some paper plates with flowers along the edges. _

_Diana insisted they walk the three blocks to the park and she asked Spencer how he liked the book. He already read and memorized it, but his mom said that going back and looking for hidden meanings in the story often led to greater insight. _

"_So who's your favorite character in the story?" She asked._

"_I like Puck." _

"_Why," Diana wondered as they passed the corner market and turned right down Eastbrook Drive._

"_He got to have the most fun!" _

"_Really… Don't you think that he caused the most trouble?"_

"_Yeah… but he was trying to do what Oberon ordered him to do, he just messed it up at bit."_

"_Well… I guess none of us are perfect." Diana said as they crossed the street to Stoney Creek Lane._

_If we shadows have offended,  
Think but this, and all is mended,  
that you have but slumber'd here  
while these visions did appear.  
And this weak and idle theme,  
No more yielding but a dream,  
Gentles, do not reprehend:  
if you pardon, we will mend:  
And, as I am an honest Puck,  
If we have unearned luck  
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,  
We will make amends ere long;  
Else the Puck a liar call;  
So, good night unto you all.  
Give me your hands, if we be friends,  
and Robin shall restore amends. _

"_That's my favorite part. He lets the audience think it was all a dream." Spencer said._

_They entered the park several minutes later, and set up the picnic under a large elm tree. The sun was directly overhead, and the grass was lush and green. It needed to be cut, but Spencer liked grass before it was cut. The smell of newly mown grass made him sick, where others liked it. He picked a blade of grass, and placed it between his thumbs, which were side by side. He brought his hands up to his mouth and blew gently on the blade of grass. It took several tries, but he was able to produce a strange, reedy, musical note from the grass._

"_Come on Spencer… lets have lunch."_

_He remembered like it was yesterday. The cool clean taste of the water, and the way the apple he ate crunched in his mouth and flooded it with sweet juice. The taste of dill that he didn't quite no how to describe to himself even now, and the warmth of the sun on his shoulders_

_Her mother peeled an orange, and sectioned it so that they could both share it. It was just a little too tangy for Spencer after the apple, but he ate it to please his mother and wiped of the juice on one of the napkins before it got everything sticky. _

"_Hey Spencer… Why don't we go on the swings?" _

_His mother pointed to the swing set in the middle of a large patch of sand. They were empty and swung back and forth in the breeze that had sprung up in the last minutes. They creaked as they swayed on their chains. Spencer remembered smiling and running to the swing. His mother took the one beside him and they began to have a contest to see who could fly the highest. _

_His mother began laughing and he looking over at her. Her hair was getting pushed back and forth around her head, and her eyes were full of mirth. _

"_I promise I'll never leave you Spencer."_

A hand fell on his shoulder and he jerked awake with a gasp of surprise, and found tears had made the blanket on his mother's bed wet.

"Dr. Reid, visiting hours are over." A nurse was standing next to him.

It was a different nurse then the one he'd seen at the desk when he got to the seventh floor. She was a few inches shorter then him with strawberry blond hair and hazel eyes. Her face was round, and she had a button nose, but her eyes were the kindest he'd seen in a very long time. Her dark blue scrubs reminded him where he was as the disorientation of the dream started to wear off, and the pounding of his heart slowed.

He wiped at his eyes and got up from his chair. "I'll come back tomorrow Mom." He leaned down and kissed her cheek.

"We'll take good care of her. My name is Marie. I'll be here overnight with your Mom, and then Denise will be here. You can ask for her when you come back in the morning."

"T-thanks," He left the room.

Marie watched him walk down the hall to the elevator, and wondered if he had anyone to go home to that could take care of him. He was so thin, that if you looked at him sideways he'd disappear. It was a good thing she was engaged, or she might be tempted to try and cheer him up.

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The ringing of the phone pulled Hotch out of nightmares of women that looked exactly like Haley getting tortured and killed right in front of him. He didn't know, as he woke up with a racing heart, if he could ever let go of his love for her even though she wanted a divorce. The phone was still beeping on the table next to the hotel room bed and he picked it up with a sigh.

"Hotchner," he said.

"_Hotch… its Reid. I just got back from the hospital." _

Hotch sat up straighter in bed, and was dismayed at the flat emotionless quality in his youngest agents voice. Someone should be there with him.

"Are you okay Reid? How is your mother?"

He winced at the trite and stupid sounding questions. Of course the young man wasn't alright, how could he be alright?

"_No… I'm n-not okay."_

Reid laid out the facts on his mother's condition for his boss while Hotch listened without a word to the young man's explanation. There was so much pain in that voice. He hadn't heard Reid speak that way since his ordeal with Tobias Henkel, and it was breaking his heart to hear it now.

"You stay there as long as she needs you. Keep me informed of her condition. It's going to be alright Spencer." He wished he could guarantee that in writing for his young friend, but it just wasn't possible.

"_I h-hope you're right!" _The young man said before hanging up the phone.

Hotch pressed the speed dial on his phone and made a quick call.

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Reid put his phone down and began to slowly change out of the tan cords and dress shirt he wore. All of it, including his mismatched socks, his tie, and sweater vest went on the floor, and he crawled into the big bed. He thought that he wouldn't be able to sleep at all, but sleep claimed him anyway, down to dreams that he couldn't remember when his phone woke him the next morning.


	3. A phone call and another visit

_A/n hello all! Here's the next chapter. Thank you all for your kind and wonderful reviews. I have to thank my beta REIDFANATIC for all of her support and help._

_Disclaimer: My characters are mine, CM is not! _

_**I lose my way And it's not too long before you point it out I cannot cry Because I know that's weakness in your eyes I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh Every day of my life My heart can't possibly break When it wasn't even whole to start with **_

_**A phone call and another visit**_

The buzzing of Reid's phone pulled him reluctantly out of sleep the next morning. "Five more minutes," He mumbled, turning over and pulling the bed clothes over his head.

His phone continued to ring. "Damn it," He grumbled.

He turned over again and stumbled out of bed to get his phone. His eyes were blinking against the sun that was pouring into the room from the large window. It hurt to look at, so he turned his back on it and stared at his phone, hoping it would stop ringing. It did. He put it down again and cursed whoever got him out of bed.

The phone began to ring again and he snatched it up. "Reid," his voice was scratchy and dry.

"_Hey sweet boy…"_

"Hey Garcia, isn't it really early in Virginia."

"_I don't care! Hotch called me last night and told me what happened."_

Reid sat down on the bed and pulled the blanket back up around his waist. "He did," Reid asked?

"_Yeah… everyone's worried about you honey. How are you doing?"_

He could feel the tears in the back of his throat, trying to sting their way to his eyes and out on to his cheeks.

"I'm fine," He squeaked.

"_Sure you are, don't lie to your best friend."_

"I can't believe this is happening Garcia. She was fine two days ago. Well… as fine was she gets. I don't understand what happened, and I don't know how -"

"_Don't you dare blame yourself Reid? You didn't cause this."_

"I'm not blaming myself," He lied, feeling his face getting hot.

"_Yes you are! You should know by now that you can't lie to me." _

He was silent for long minutes, but she didn't hang up of say anything. He was losing the battle with keeping his cool, and the clock was telling him he needed to get back to the hospital.

"Garcia… I don't want to talk about this. I have to get back to the hospital."

"_If not now, then when sweet pea?" _

"I can't do it now. Please try to understand!"

"_I do understand Spencer. My mom and dad died when I was eighteen."_

"I didn't know Garcia. I'm sorry."

"_I'm not looking for sympathy. I learned to live without their touch, their voices, and their wisdom in my life. I learned something important when I stopped crying for them and cursing the drunk driver that took them from me."_

Reid was quiet. His throat was tightening up again. He didn't think it was possible to cry after yesterday, but his eyes were filling up with the traitorous tears

"_I learned that my parents would always be with me. I came to know that the things they taught me and the love they gave to me would shape my life forever." _

He felt an irrational anger building up in his chest, making it hurt and locking the breath away where he couldn't access it.

"That's great for you Penelope. Your mother wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic. Your father didn't leave you at the age of ten to take care of your mentally ill mother." He was shouting at his best friend, but he couldn't make himself stop. "You don't know what it's like to lose someone you love twice in one lifetime -"

"_I may not know the sting of losing a parent to their mind, but I know that even though your mom and dad were desperately flawed, they left the best parts of themselves behind in you. Your mother's a brilliant woman. She read to you, and gave you your love of English literature. Yeah… your dad was at the very best a complete bastard, but now you know what kind of husband and father you're not going to be." _

She didn't shout over him, just spoke quietly through his tears. "I don't want her to die." He whispered.

"_I know that my sweet boy. I don't want you to live with that, but you don't know what's going to happen. If she dies, we're all here for you, you know that right?"_

He sniffed back more tears and padded into the bathroom for a tissue "Yeah… I know. Thanks Garcia."

"_You're welcome sweetie. Now, I'm supposed to tell you from Hotch and Rossi that you're not to worry about the case, its going fine. Morgan said to hang in there, he'll call you later. Emily said you gotta come back soon, she misses her chess partner. JJ said to tell you she's thinking of you, and to tell your mom that we all hope she gets better soon." _

"Thanks Penelope. Listen I really gotta go. I need to get back to the hospital."

"_Then go sweet cheeks. I'll call ya later." _

She hung up on him, and for the first time in two days he was able to smile just a little bit. It felt good on his face.

He looked at the clock again and saw that it was eight in the morning. He'd slept for eleven hours straight. Guilt began to curl in his stomach like a snake. He should have been up all night worrying, not sleeping. How was it loyal to just sleep like that without even trying?

He took a shower and dressed in dark grey cords, a white dress shirt, and a grey and white sweater vest. One sock was grey, and the other was blue that he put on with his dark blue running shoes. He ran his hands through his hair, and knew his mother would bug him to cut it if she were awake and aware of things.

His messenger bag was in the living room of the suite, and he put his phone into one of the pockets inside the bag and picked it up. He looked at his watch again, and suddenly found he didn't want to go back to the hospital. If he went back to the hospital, he'd have to acknowledge that he might lose her. He paced around the room for a few minutes before finally leaving the suite and heading to the elevator.

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The hospital was busy that morning. He entered by the patient drop-off entrance that day and took the elevator back up to the seventh floor. The nurse at the desk was different, but she had a bright and kind smile.

"Can you tell me how Diana Reid is today? I'm her son."

"Yes… Dr Reid…. She had a good night." She smiled up at him wishing that she didn't have to tell him that about his mom. He looked so thin, like he might fold up and fly away, like the leaves falling from the trees when the cold temperatures of fall shake them from the branches.

"Oh… thank you. May I go back and see her?"

"Of course…" She watched him walk away and wondered if he had anyone to look after him.

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His empty stomach was doing flip flops on the journey down the empty hallway to his mother's room. He noticed the closed doors that left the hallway and wondered if there were others like his mother in those rooms with relatives sitting at their bedsides. How many of them were alone? The door to his mother's room stood closed like an accusation.

_You should have begged them to let you stay with her. You shouldn't have left the hospital! _

The butterflies in his stomach were swarming when he pushed open the door and he was glad he hadn't had anything for breakfast.

Diana Reid looked like she hadn't moved from the position she'd been in when he'd left the hospital. Her eyes were still open and staring at something he couldn't see. Her arms and hands were on top of the beige colored blanket of the bed. Her face was still slack and the respirator still hissed and clicked.

"Hi Mom… It's Spencer. I'm sure you're feeling better today." Reid took up his position from yesterday, in the chair next to her bed. He took her deceptively warm hand in his and squeezed it tight.

"I'm gonna stay here till you wake up Mom. They'll have to kick me out next time." He promised her.

He sat there talking to her for hours, ignoring the nurse pleading with him to go get something to eat. He knew he looked terribly pale, but he couldn't leave her. He'd left her once to the mercy of the sanitarium, and look what had happened.

The line between waking and sleeping was crossed by his overwhelmed brain before he realized it, and then his head was on the bed and he slept in spite of all the sleep he'd managed the night before.

_He looked at the note he'd found on his night table upon waking up that morning. It had his name on it in black letters that looked like an accusation. His father never left notes for the family and he didn't want to open that envelope. There was nothing for it; he had to open it before his mother found it. She wouldn't take it well, no matter what the note might say. _

_The envelope wasn't sealed, so he was able to slide the stationary easily out of the cream colored envelope. It was his father's personal stationary that he used for answering letters, and responding to social invitations. He also wrote business letters on it and this read like one of his business letters. It explained that he'd been offered another job on the East Coast and he was leaving to take the job. He told his son and wife that he knew he was a weak man, but he couldn't cope with having a sick wife and a genius for a son. He wanted a normal life and that wasn't possible with Spencer and Diana as baggage. _

_That was the last time Spencer heard from his father. He was left alone to fend for himself. He tried to tell his mother what his father had done, but she refused to believe the letter. She said that it was a government conspiracy to separate her family. _

_It took weeks for him to get her taking her meds again, and to believe that William Reid was really gone. She went on a rampage and destroyed everything that was left of his dad. Then she quit taking her meds again, and all she did was sleep for days and not eat. _

_One day he was trying to make her something to eat that she would like and actually hold in her stomach. She liked chicken salad and he was trying to make it the way that she did. He was at the counter standing on a stool attempting to cut some celery for the salad, when he was pulled off the stool from behind. He remembered yelling out until he realized it was his mother. He dropped the knife he'd been using and it fell with a clatter to the white tile floor. The blade was shinning in the light of the sun through the windows._

"_This is your fault you little bastard. You made him leave, it's your fault. They sent you to drive him away and watch me, didn't they?"_

_She held him in a choke hold and he couldn't breathe. "No mom…" He gasped out. "I didn't do anything. Why are you saying -?"_

"_Shut up you little brat," She tightened her grip around his throat, and little black dotes began to crawl across his vision. His lungs were screaming for air. One of his hands beat at her arm, but it didn't budge. _

"_I'll lock you away and then they can't watch me." She screeched in his ear. _

_The blackness was deepening around his eyes, and the only thing he could still see was the blade of the knife glinting on the floor, that moved farther and farther away as though falling through a long dark tunnel._

_He'd woken up in a small, cramped place that was completely dark. He tried not to panic, but his heat was racing so fast, it was making him dizzy. His throat hurt so badly he could hardly speak, but he called out anyway. _

"_Mama… please let me out of here. Mama… I'm scared." Only a whisper came out of his raw throat. _

_The darkness pressed on him like a heavy blanket soaked in water that had been dropped over him. "Please… I don't like the dark Mama! _

_His hands hurt from pounding on the locked door, and his throat felt like it was bleeding on the inside from yelling for his mother, and nearing strangling to death at her hands._

"_Mama … I'm sorry. I'll be good."_

_It seemed like hours had gone by, but it was so black he couldn't see his watch. He was feeling light headed and sick to his stomach. Maybe it was better just to go to sleep, and then he wouldn't have to see the darkness that wouldn't go away. _

_A hand came out of the darkness and fell on his shoulder, and he screamed. "Dr Reid…. Wake up… Dr. Reid…. You're dreaming!"_

He jerked awake and the darkness was gone, and his voice was there, but his mother never moved, never responded to the screaming of her son next to his bed. The hand tightened and the voice told him that everything was going to be okay, but he had to calm down.

"I don't like the dark." Reid cried, "Where is my mother?"

"She's right here Dr Reid." Dr. Singh pointed at the bed and Reid looked around, his dark eyes full of tears and terror.

"Dr. Reid… you were dreaming."

'"I'm sorry," Reid said, wiping a hand over his eyes.

"That's alright, but I think you better go get something to eat. I have something to tell you."


	4. Sometimes its hard to fight

_A/n hello everyone, here's the next chapter. Thank you all for your kind reviews and everyone that has added this to their alerts._

_Disclaimer: Must I say it again?_

_**Sometimes it's hard to fight**_

"That's alright, but I want you to get something to eat. I have something to tell you."

"I'm not hungry doctor I-"

"I see how pale you are, and the nurse said you've been here for two hours this morning. I'll bet you didn't have anything to eat this morning." Dr. Singh said, placing a hand on the younger man's shoulder and a squeezing it.

"No… I didn't but -"

"Dr. Reid… there are things we have to do for your mother, one of which is turning her. This has to be done every two hours. It'll help keep her circulation healthy and prevent bed sores." A new nurse had entered the room.

She was almost as tall as Reid, and black. Her head was covered with jaunty black curls that reminded him of Garcia. Her eyes were a very deep brown, but they were full of warmth, and she was looking at his mother like she was a close friend. Her maroon scrubs and white shoes inspired confidence for some reason he couldn't put his finger on.

"Lisa's right," The doctor said as he gently, but firmly steered Reid toward the door. "She'll take good care of your mother."

Reid had no choice in the matter. He left the room with Dr. Singh and let the man push him in the direction of the elevator.

The corridor was very long that morning. It seemed to him that that it got longer with every step he took, like the hallway in a recurring nightmare. The white walls and the tiled floors in front of him were beginning to get blurry and his head was buzzing.

"Dr. Reid… Are you alright?" There were grey and black spots collecting in front of his eyes and he stumbled. He felt the pressure of the doctor's hand on his arm and then there was only blackness.

When he opened his eyes, he was looking up at the white ceiling. There was a spot right above his head that looked like red blood, but of course that couldn't be right, could it? Surely someone cleaned regularly and that wouldn't be missed, would it?

"Dr Reid…"

Dr. Singh's face appeared in his line of vision. "What happened…?" Reid crooked at the doctor.

"You passed out on your way to the elevator."

"I did…" Reid asked sounding very surprised and confused?

Another doctor appeared over his head. She had ruler straight red hair cut in a wedge around her round face. Her eyes were as green as he'd very seen and she was frowning down at him. "I'm Dr. Marissa Jones, one of the emergency room doctors. I'm still waiting for some test results, but I'd say your blood sugar crashed.

"But I feel fine." Reid protested, trying to sit up. He got dizzy again and dropped back down on the pillows.

"You'll stay where you are, and get some rest and something to eat," both doctors chorused at him and grinned at each other. He scowled up at both of them.

"I can't stay here. I have to get back to my mother."

"Dr. Reid… you mother isn't going anywhere for the time being. You've been under a terrible strain and you will rest here." Dr. Jones ordered.

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Dr. Singh left the young doctor to stew over this order. He went back to the elevator and headed back up to the seventh floor. Lisa was updating Diana Reid's chart when he stepped off the elevator.

"How is he…?" She asked.

"Dr. Jones said he's fine. He's in good physical condition, except for being a little underweight. I'm sure he just needs something to eat."

"Did you tell him about his mother?" Lisa asked, clutching the chart in her hands.

"No… He's not up to it."

"But don't you think he should know?"

'When Dr. Jones tells him he can come back up here, I'll tell him. Till then, he needs a chance to rest without worrying about his mother."

Lisa watched the doctor head back to the elevator and his office. He was pleasant to work with, but sometimes his closed lipped ways were a bit annoying, to say the least. Anyway… he didn't think he was God like some of the doctors she'd worked for in her career.

"I hope you know what you're doing." she muttered, before heading off to do her rounds."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you going to let me out of here?" Reid asked, not bothering to disguise the impatience in his voice.

"I used to think that when people said doctors are the worst patients, they were overreacting, but now that I've met you, I'm re-evaluating that position."

"You're not making a friend doctor." Reid responded. "I'm not a medical doctor so that opinion doesn't apply to me. I'm not diabetic, just a little worn out from watching and waiting for my mom to wake up."

"You're right, Dr. Reid. I got your test results and you're not diabetic or anemic. Your blood sugar was very low, which is why you passed out."

"Can I go now? I ate the lunch the nurse gave me." He gestured at the tray sitting on the rolling table next to the bed.

"Yes… You can go." The doctor conceded. She dropped a hand on his arm and stared him down when he glared at her. "Make sure you eat. If I see you in here again, I'll admit you, and make sure the nurses keep you in your room. Have I made myself clear?" 

"Yes ma'am…" He saluted her and she grinned back at him before leaving the room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His mother hadn't woken when he got back to her room. Not that he expected any change. The doctor would have told him if anything changed. She was still hooked up to the ventilator and the IVs were still infusing her arms. It was like living déjà vu over and over again.

"Mom… It's Spencer again. I'm sorry I was gone for a little while. I went to get something to eat."

He sat down and reached over to finger the yellow blanket that covered his mother to her chest. It was soft to the touch and reminded him of his favorite blanket when he was four.

"_Hey Spencer… Its time for you to go to sleep, you have school tomorrow." His mother's voice echoed in his head like a long forgotten dream._

"_Mama… I don't want to go to school, they hate me there."_

_His mother had pushed back his hair with one cool hand. One finger touched the bruise on his cheek and he flinched._

"_I know its hard baby, but I love you and I know you can get through this. You're strongest one in this house."_

"Mom… you thought I was strong but I wasn't! I was only a little kid. You should have tried to protect me."

"_Why are you letting them_ _take me away Spencer? You know I don't want to go I want to stay here. I don't have to go with these fascist pigs. Spencer…. Please don't let them take me away. Spencer…"_

"_I'm sorry mom, but you need help." _

"_I don't need help and I don't need you. You're weak, just like your bastard of a father. I hate you!"_

"I was only trying to help you mom. I wish you could've believed in that." Tears were threatening again as more memories began to pour in on him like sands in washing away in the tide.

_He remembered his graduation from high school. It was a good time when she was taking her meds. For the first time in a long time, he wasn't embarrassed to see her at a school function, not even when she jumped up, and began to clap and cheer when he was introduced as class valedictorian._

_It was his mother that taught him to ride a bike. That same bike was stolen from him the first day he rode it to school._

_She locked him in the hall closet whenever she was off her meds and convinced that he was a government agent there to spy on her. _

_She read books of poetry and 15__th__ century English literature to him before his tenth birthday._

_She ignored the bruises and the broken bones from the bullies at school. It was easier to pretend they didn't exist. _

_He cooked and he cleaned, and he did his homework. He did everything he could to maintain a mask of normalcy for eight years after his dad left. He became such a good actor, that he didn't know who he was under the false face._

He wiped at his red eyes again, and tried to speak but his voice was hoarse, and his vocal cords refused to work against the sobs that were caught in his throat and choking him. He swallowed as hard as he could past the lump in his throatWhen his voice was his own again, it squeaked.

"I know you were sick mama, but why did you let it go on. You took your meds for awhile when I was young. Why did you rely on me?"

She lay there with her eyes wide open and staring into something he couldn't see and she didn't answer him.

"I love you mama. I'm sorry that your mind turned against you, but you should have protected me. I was your son. It was your responsibility.

He bent his head to her bed and cried for a very long time before someone touched him. "Dr. Reid… I need to speak with you." Dr. Singh said softly.

Reid looked up and Dr. Singh was stunned by the depth of pure sorrow and suffering in the young man's eyes. His eyes were huge and full of tears. He looked like a small child. Didn't this man have anyone in his life to help him through this?

"Come out to the family room with me."

Reid let the doctor usher him out of his mother's room and down the hall back to the family waiting room. "Dr. Reid… Your mother's condition is worsening. Her vitals are meandering down. The meds we're giving her aren't working the way we expected."

"W-what're y-you trying to say?" Reid asked, his voice trembling and cracking badly.

"I'm saying that a lot of this depends on your mother. The patient's willingness to fight has a lot to do with the outcome of any battle with disease."

"But how can she fight this, if she's unconscious." Reid knew that attitude was a great part of the battle, but his mother was a schizophrenic. Did she have that ability anymore?

"I've told you that talking to her can help. You have to encourage her to come back and fight this. Science and medicine can only do so much Dr. Reid."

"Alright... I'll do everything I can to get through to her. Can I go back and see her?"

Dr. Singh patted his shoulder. "I think that's the best idea."

Reid went back to his mother's room and approached her bed as though it might blow up. "Hi mom… I'm back. I just talked to the doctor. He told me t-that…" His voice was beginning to crack and tremble again "The doctor said that you gotta fight this thing mom. They're d-doing everything t-they can to h-help you b-but you have to want to w-wake up and get b-better."

She'd been turned again and was lying on her back once more. Her eyes were still open and staring into something unseen and he wished that would light up like they did when he was a kid and they discovered a new poem together, or when a rainstorm began in the summertime and she dragged him out to walk in the rain.

"Mom… y-you can't leave yet. We have so m-much to t-talk about and to do. Maybe soon they'll f-find a cure for you. Please try mom! I still n-need you. Let's show the doctor that he's wrong about you. Please mom! "

She didn't move or acknowledge his words in any way. "Mom… I won't l-let you die. Do you h-hear me? I'll s-stay here and t-talk to you till you're sick of my v-voice and have to wake up and tell me to s-shut up. Come on mom, wake up and tell me to stop talking!"

There was a change in the heart monitor and alarms began to buzz and scream. The doctor and some nurses came running in when a voice began to call "code blue," for his mother's room number. Reid tried to fight the doctor and the nurses that invaded the room, and began shouting to one another, but the doctor made him leave the room.

He watched them through the window to the room as they worked over his mother. It seemed like they worked forever, but when he saw the nurse glance at the clock and then speak to the doctor, he knew that is was over.

"Dr. Reid…"

He didn't want to see in the doctor's eyes what he could hear in the man's voice. The doctor looked right into the young man's eyes.

"I'm sorry Dr. Reid. We did everything we could, but we couldn't save her."

"No…. I don't believe you. There has to be something else you can do."

"There's nothing else to do Dr. Reid. I'm so very sorry."

"Get out of my way!" Reid screamed at the doctor. He pushed the man out of his path and ran into his mother's room. A nurse jumped back in surprise when the young man ran into the room and fell down at the side of Diana Reid's bed.

"Mama… Please don't go! Don't leave me here all alone. I promise I'll be a good boy. Please come back! I'll take care of you from now on. Mama…."

"Sir you need to let us take care of her now." The nurse begged the young man, but he seemed to be deaf to her pleas.

Dr. Singh entered the room and gestured to the nurse who was trying to get Dr Reid to leave. "Let him stay here for awhile. He needs to say goodbye."

They left the young man with his mother. The only sound they heard as they left the room was the racking sobs of a young man whose heart was shattered in pieces.

_I watched you die I heard you cry Every night in your sleep I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain And now I cry In the middle of the night for the same damn thing_


	5. Breaking Down!

_A/n Hey all, here is the next chapter. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. Due to feedback I'm issuing a hanky warning. I don't know if you'll need it, but apparently the last chapter made you all teary eyed, so there you go:) Enjoy and let me know what you think. You're all awesome!_

_Disclaimer: Nope, they're still not mine!_

_**Breaking down! **_

_**Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt Because of you I tried my hardest just to forget everything Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty Because of you I am afraid **_

Thunder split the sky open using lightening as a pry bar. The noise was small compared to the voices that laughed, shrieked, and called to one another along the Vegas Strip.

The strip had a life of it own that never stopped. It pulsed and gyrated in time with the myriad of brightly colored lights that decorated the huge signs outside of hotels and casinos. The light promised all those that passed through the door of these monuments to money that they too could be rich, that they could have everything they ever desired for all time. The lights lied, and most people knew it, but they let the lie seduce them inside just in case the lights told the truth, just this one time.

When the rain began to fall, most of the pedestrians sought shelter in the casinos and hotels. Junkies and hooker lingered in doorways. The blond woman stepped out of the cab that slid up to the curb in front of one of those hotels. She paid the cabbie, and followed the doorman and bellboy into the lobby.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid dropped the empty mini-bottle onto the polished surface of the elaborate glass and metal coffee table. Several thousand dollars in cash was scattered around the room along with the debris from several candy bars, and half a dozen more bottles from the mini bar.

He ignored the door when someone began knocking. It didn't matter who it was. He didn't care if they knocked forever. He was going to get as stupid as possible, and maybe the last couple of days wouldn't matter so much.

"Open the door Reid, or I'll get the manager up here with a key card."

He stumbled out of his perch on the couch and nearly fell to the floor. It was her, she was knocking on his door, and his heart jumped at the sound of her voice even if she was pissed at him. He got a bit lost trying to find the door and ended up in the bathroom. The knocking continued getting louder and so did her voice.

"Okay… ok… I'm coming." He shouted in the general direction of the door.

He headed back to the living room on very unsteady feet and yanked open the door. He smiled brightly at the irritated woman in front of him.

"Hi JJ…" He giggled in delight, swinging his arms back and forth at his sides.

JJ's face went from anger, to stunned disbelief at the child-like amusement in Reid's eyes as he smiled at her.

"Come on in." Reid slurred, pulling her into the suite and slamming the door shut behind them.

"Spence… Have you lost your mind?"

"No… not yet, I'm trying…" He laughed. "You want a drink JJ." He staggered to the mini bar and began to rummage through it, tossing out chocolate bars and mini-bottles.

"Score…" He yelled cheerfully, pushing his errant bangs out of his eyes and holding up the last small bottle.

She glared up at him and he began to giggle again. "Come on JJ… Don't be so uptight!"

"Reid… I know you're hurting, but getting stupid isn't the way to handle it." She pulled off her jacket and he watched the droplets of rain glitter in her golden hair. Her purple tee shirt and brand new blue jeans hugged her small body. She was beautiful! Little tingles of pleasure made his whole body feel like if were on fire just by looking at her.

"Yes it is… I'm happy! I'm so very happy!" He assured her. He turned back to the living room and stumbled over a chair leg. He was dumped unceremoniously to his knees on the carpeted floor. "Oops…"

JJ looked around at the empty bottles, candy wrappers, and scattered money on the floor. She tossed her jacket over one chair and bent down to pick up two crisp one hundred dollar bills.

"Where did you get all this," She asked the man swaying back and forth in front of her?

"Won it of course," He snorted, looking at her like she was very slow on the uptake.

"You gambled tonight?"

"Yeah… What's wrong with that? I had to make money to pay for my mom's care this year."

"Spence… your mom is gone." She couldn't bring herself to say the word death, not when he was looking at her like a little boy at Christmas time.

"No she's not… She's sick in the hospital, but she's going to be fine." He insisted. "I don't want to talk about this." He frowned and pushed away when she tried to hug him.

"I'm sorry Spence, but you have to listen to me. Your mother is dead."

She'd grabbed both of his arms and held him in place when he would have run from her. The muscles of his arms trembled and jumped under her touch. His face had gone red and his eyes lost the carefree look the alcohol had put in them.

"No… She's not dead! Why are you sayin' that?" He wrenched his arms from her grasp and stumbled away to the bedroom.

"Spence please you need to -"

"Don't tell me what to do!" He shouted. His eyes were beginning to fill up with tears. "I don't want to talk to you. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired!"

"Spence…"

"Go away! You're lyin' to me, my mom is going to be okay. She has to be okay." He whispered. Pure misery welled up in his deep brown eyes. He swayed and staggered to the platform bed and dropped down on the colorful spread.

"Spence, I'm so sorry I wish -"

"Why can't you leave me alone? I don't want to hear you say it. She's going to be okay. I'm going to take care of her from now on. I'm supposed to take care of her. She's my mom! I have to be a good son!"

JJ joined him on the very edge of the bed. Her trembling hand touched his back. He flinched away from her. His face held only accusation for her. She swallowed hard and her throat clicked when she began to speak.

"You're a good son Spence. Your mother knew that. You don't have to prove anything to her or anyone else."

He whipped around and nearly knocked her off the bed. His eyes were huge and blood shot. Tears ran down his flushed cheeks. She didn't back away from him, even thought her heart was pounding hard in her chest. One finger reached up to his face and wiped away some of the tears he cried.

"Yes I do… I have to show her that I can be good and respectful like a son should be. I have to take care of her. I shouldn't have left her there alone."

"Spence… I know you don't want to hear this, but your mother is gone. Don't you remember calling me?"

His mother was dead! But that couldn't be, there was too much left to say, and to do, to make it up to her. Oh God… JJ was right! She was right! His mother was gone forever.

"She's dead…" He whispered. "It's too late."

"No baby… she knew you loved her."

JJ pulled him into her arms and hugged him hard. His whole body was wracked with sobs and he trembled like fall leaves in the wind.

"It's going to be alright Spence. I promise!"

"She's gone…" He repeated over and over while they rocked back and forth. JJ let go of him when his sobs trailed off to little hitches of breath.

"Come on… you need to get some rest." She pushed him down on the bed and bent down to pull off his shoes.

She couldn't stop the little giggles that rose up in her throat at the sight of one red and black striped sock and one yellow sock. What was this obsession with mismatched socks? Did it really bring him good luck, she wondered while pulling them off his feet?

"Don't take my socks I need those, really a lot." He hiccupped.

"I'm not taking your socks. Why would I want socks that don't match? Take off your sweater vest." She ordered changing the subject.

"Don't want to," He petulantly crossed his arms over his chest.

"Fine… then I'll do it for you."

"Why do you want to take my clothes off?" He wondered, scooting away from her.

"You need to get some sleep Reid."

"Kay… but I'll take it off." She sat back on her heels and watched him fumble at his buttons till the sweater was off and shirt was open. He awkwardly shrugged them off.

"Now your pants," she said, trying so hard not to laugh.

Reid began to giggle through the last of his tears. "No funny stuff on the first date."

"Ha Ha… now cooperate with me." She demanded.

"Ok…Why are you so mean?" He fumbled with the belt, and then the top buttons, before yanking off his cords and throwing them on the floor. JJ flushed pink and looked away from the white cotton boxers he wore.

She pulled the bed clothes down, and made him get in the bed while keeping her eyes on the window and the rain sliding down the glass. Lighting was still breaking the sky apart like ice in the middle of a winter thaw. The storm was right above the city now and thunder boomed constantly. The noise was muffled in the walls of the room, but it was like someone turned up a stereo to loud in another room, and she could feel the vibrations in her hands and skin.

"JJ… Come to bed." Reid said in a sing song tone.

"I have my own room Spence." She said, trying to make her legs stand up and take her away from temptation.

"It's cold in here. Come warm me up."

"Down big guy… you need to get some sleep." She said trying to sound like it didn't matter that he was practically naked and about one foot away from her.

"JJ…" One warm hand touched her shoulder; the fingers trembled out a staccato pattern on her shirt, making her shiver.

"JJ…" His mouth found her neck and kissed her gently.

"Spence… don't do that." His arms circled her and turned her around to face him. He sat up in bed, looking at her so intensely her cheeks began to grow hot.

"Don't do what…" The heat pouring from his body was almost too much for her to handle. It felt like the whole room could spontaneously combust if he kissed her again.

He kissed her again, capturing her lips with his, and exploring every line and curve. They were soft and silky against hers. Her mouth was opening before she could stop it to allow his tongue inside to battle with her own.

God… no one told her that geeky Dr. Reid could kiss like this, the kind of kiss that make your toes curl and your eyes roll back in your head. She could taste chocolate, and coffee, and alcohol on his tongue which finally got through to her inflamed mind. She pulled away and fell off the bed to the platform below.

"JJ…" he whined. "Where are you going?" His head was leaning over the bed and grinning down at her.

"I better go…" She jumped up and backed away from him.

"Please don't go… I need you to stay." He pouted, looking way to cute to say no too.

"You're drunk Spence. I'm leaving before this gets out of hand."

"No… Don't go… I promise I'll be good. Please stay here with me. I don't want to be alone." He tried another smile, but she ignored the sensation of butterflies in her stomach his grin invoked.

"I can't… I'm going back to my room."

"Fine… go ahead and leave me. Everyone leaves me alone." He shouted. "I don't care about you anyway. I hate you Jennifer Jareau!" He was shouting at her again, and anger clouded up his eyes, replacing the low grade lust that had been there just moments ago.

"I know you don't mean that Spence." It hurt though, it hurt more then she thought it would to hear him say that, because she was in love with him, had been ever since Tobias Henkel took him away.

"Yes I do… Just leave me alone. You don't want to be here anyway. You're only here because you feel bad for me." He turned his back on her and pulled the blankets up to his ears.

There were so many things to be said, or done in this moment that could change everything and make it worse or better. What was the right thing to do? Should she tell him that she loved him? Would he believe it?

"Spence…"

There was nothing in the air now, but the distant crack of thunder and the steady beat of rain on the glass. "Spence… I'm sorry I…"

She went around the bed and climbed up to see his face. His eyes were closed, and he didn't respond when she reached under the blanket and shook one bare shoulder.

Trying and losing the battle with the tears that were burning in her throat for all the things left unsaid, and done, she pulled off her shoes and socks, threw her tee shirt and pants on the floor and crawled into the bed with him.

She turned onto her side and scooted back against his chest. She gently pulled one of his arms around her and sighed. When he woke up he wouldn't be alone, she would make sure of that.


	6. Beginning to heal

_A/n hey guys, I'm truly overwhelmed by all the response to this story. I'm sad that this is the last chapter as I have had a lot of fun exploring this side of Reid. Thank you all again for your reviews and thank you REIDFANATIC for your continued support and help._

_Disclaimer: Nothing familiar or copyrighted is mine, I'm only borrowing the result of someone else's genius._

_**I will not make the same mistakes that you did I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery I will not break the way you did You fell so hard I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far **_

_**Beginning to heal **_

Sunlight had replaced the rain by morning. The light through the bedroom window created a hot spot on the edge of the bed. The bed's occupant opened his eyes and squinted. His head felt like it was going to explode. It seemed like something had crawled into his mouth and died. Also, someone had put fuzzy little coats on his teeth. His stomach was heaving, and when he rolled over to get out of bed, nausea jumped into his throat. He staggered out of bed to the bathroom. There was nothing but bile in his stomach he soon realized. The flush of the toilet jacked his headache up another notch as he tried to get to his feet in front of the mirror.

The mirror showed him a man that was white faced and hollow cheeked. The dark circles that were always present under his eyes, were more prominent than he'd ever seen. The water flowing from the faucet was cold and it felt good on his face. He looked, but couldn't fine any aspirin to take for his throbbing headache. The only cure seemed to be the coffee pot on one end of the counter top.

He got the gourmet coffee brewing and pushed off the boxers he wore. They fell to the floor and he moved to turn on the water in the shower for a nice, long, soak. He remembered Morgan telling him that the best cure for a hangover was water. He supposed that was true. He was probably dehydrated, but how had he gotten in this state in the first place. Last night was a fuzzy blank in his memory. Maybe he didn't want to remember.

He picked up a plastic glass from the counter and removed the wrapper. He forced down three full glasses of water, He was very glad the coffee was brewing and smelled so good.

The hot water felt good on his shoulders and back when he got into the stand-alone shower opposite the triangle shaped jetted tub. Jets of water would be great, but he didn't have the patience to wait for the tub to fill up. There were four different kinds of shampoo, and five different kinds of soap on the shelf next to his right hand. Unfortunately… when he sampled them, they all smelled of floral scents that made his stomach heave again. He picked the least fragrant ones and used them to clean up. The towel he grabbed after getting out of the shower was white with a monogram of the hotels name. He dried off, wrapped it around his waist, and walked out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam.

His towel had just hit the floor when a voice behind him giggled. He whipped around and saw JJ standing there with her phone in one hand, and a cup of coffee in the other. Her cheeks were pink and she cleared her throat loudly when he just stood there in stunned disbelief.

"Sorry Spence…I was on the phone and didn't hear you. Ah… I'll just leave." She turned around and hurried out of the bedroom.

He continued to stand there hoping that what just happened had been a dream. Yeah… that's right… His overtaxed brain was still in shock. The hangover was playing tricks with his mind. He'd get dressed, go into the living room, and it would be empty.

Ten minutes later, armed with a hot cup of heavily sugared coffee, he took a wary step into the living area of the suite. He stopped dead upon seeing JJ sitting on the couch with a plate of fruit next to her left arm and the phone in her ear.

"Yeah… Listen Garcia, he's awake. Yeah… okay… I'll tell him. Don't freak out… Alright, goodbye Penelope…" She shut the phone and dropped it into a pocket of her pants.

He cobalt eyes found his with complete forthrightness. "Hey Spence… That was Garcia… She says for me to tell you she'll call you later. She is completely freaking out. She wanted to talk to you, but I told her that you were –"

"What are you doing here JJ?" He interrupted. "I don't remember letting you in."

"I'm not surprised; you were pretty drunk last night."

He dropped down in one of the armchairs and noticed for the first time, a few stacks of cash on the coffee table.

"What's all that doing here? Are you going to tell me I robbed a bank last night?"

"No… You played poker in the hotel casino last night. Apparently, your luck was pretty good in spite of how much you had to drink."

"I gambled last night." He was completely bewildered. "Why would I do that?"

"Yeah… you did really well. There's fifty grand there." She pointed at the money and struggled not to laugh at the look on his face.

"I don't remember anything. My mom is dead. Why would I go gambling? Am I out of my mind? Are you real or a hallucination?"

"You're not crazy Spence. You were in major denial when I got here last night. You thought you needed the money to take care of your mom at Bennington this year." She explained and then drained the rest of her cup of coffee.

He put his face in his hands. She couldn't hear what he said next and asked him to repeat it.

"I said… I told you I was out of my mind."

JJ slid over to the end of the couch closest to the chair he sat slumped in. She reached over and took one of his hands in hers. It was trembling.

"You haven't gone crazy. Grief is a terrible burden sometimes. It can make us do strange things. I'm sorry none of us were here for you last night. I'm just glad we got the case wrapped up and I could come out here and see you. I'm glad I came. Sorry about walking in on you a minute ago."

He went cherry red and gave her a very tiny smile of gratitude. "I didn't know you were here, but I'm glad you came."

"That's my fault. I got up before you, and went back to my room for a shower and a change of clothes. I took your key card."

His face was crimson and his hand was sweating in hers. He refused to look at her, "You s-stayed all n-night?"

"Yeah… but don't worry, nothing happened, despite your best efforts."

"I – ah… you mean I tried to… Oh… Sorry!"

"It's okay Spence… I've dodged drunks with faster hands than yours. Don't worry about it!"

"But I… Oh boy, I'm really sorry JJ."

"It's okay… You want something to eat?"

His stomach did a slow roll at the thought of food. "The thought of food makes me nauseous."

"Okay… but the hotel supposedly has a great buffet. We're going down in a couple of hours. I'm not letting you starve Spence."

He withdrew his hand and went to the large window at the far end of the room. "You don't have to take care of me JJ. I don't need a substitute mother. I want my own back."

"I'm sorry Spence. I know how you feel but you -"

Reid whipped around, and the rage and sorrow in his face made her flinch away from him. "You don't know anything," He spat out at her. "How dare you say you know how I feel? You can't possibly know what it's like to lose your mother twice in one lifetime."

JJ swallowed hard against the tears that were trying to escape her throat and eyes. He was out of his mind with grief, she had to remember that. He needed someone to help him.

"Get out of here! I didn't ask you to come here. Why can't everyone just leave me alone?"

"I'm not leaving you alone. You can attack me until doomsday, but I'm not leaving." Her hands were clasped in front of her and they were white as a sheet at the knuckles. They wouldn't stop trembling, but by God she wouldn't let Reid see it.

"When did this become about you. This is not about you JJ."

"I never said it was about me. I just want to help you."

"I don't want or need your help!" He shouted back.

"Yes you do… you all think that because I'm not an almighty profiler, I can't understand. You're all wrong!"

She lost the battle with her tears and Reid was staring at the window again, "I don't think that about you." He whispered. "I miss her so much."

"I know that honey. I lost my mom and dad when I was ten in a car accident, and I was so unhappy and mad at them for the longest time. They left me alone and I hated them for that."

He turned around again and strode over to where she sat. He grabbed her by the shoulders and put his face right up to hers. "I don't hate my mom. How can you say that?" She didn't answer him, but her heart was pounding so hard, she didn't think she could talk if she wanted to.

"I'm not mad at her." He insisted. JJ just watched his face, keeping her eyes right on his.

"Spence… I didn't mean to -"

"I know what you're trying to do and it won't work. You think if I admit that I'm mad at my mom for dying then I'll start to feel better. You're wrong because I'm not mad at her. I can't be mad at her!"

"Why… Spence why do you think you can't be mad at your mother?"

"I have to be a good son. I abandoned her when she was alive… I have to stay loyal to her now that she's gone."

He sat down next to JJ on the couch and she took one of his hands. He flinched, but didn't withdraw the hand. "Spencer… you're not disloyal if you let yourself grieve and go on with your life. You did everything you could to help her."

"I didn't, I left her in a sanitarium and didn't visit her but once a year. How could I do that?"

"So what were you supposed to do, give up your life? What if you stayed in Vegas and took care of her? You wouldn't have come to the BAU and done all the good things you've done. What about all the lives you saved/ If it wasn't for you, Philip Dowd might have killed, or caused to be killed dozens of people. If not for you, Dr. Theodore Bryer would have killed himself and a dozen other people, and Elle. If not for you, Nathan Harris would be dead. If not for you, Tobias Henkel might still be killing in the name of religion, perverting the beliefs of a lot of good people. -"

"Enough …" Reid shouted. In close quarters it hurt her ears, but she didn't flinch.

"I did all that and sacrificed my mother. How is that right?"

"Stop it Reid, just stop it… tell me what's really bothering you."

"I don't know what you want me to say," He fled from her again, and went back to the window where the sun was traitorously bright and cheerful.

"I want you to tell me what is really bothering you!"

"I h-hated her! Are you h-happy? I was a b-bad son and I h-hated her. Tobias was r-right about me. I didn't r-respect my m-mother. I didn't take c-care of h-her."

"What else is bothering you Spencer. Tell me before it poisons your whole life."

"I hated her!" He shouted. "She used to lock me in the closet when she didn't take her meds. She thought I was a government agent. Isn't that ironic? She almost killed me three times before I was eighteen and had her committed. She destroyed everything I had of my father. I hated him, but she took everything, I don't remember what he looked like anymore. She ignored all the bruises and the cuts and the broken bones I came home with from school. She shouldn't have done that. She should have taken care of me. I needed her!"

JJ went to him and wrapped him up in her arms. He tried to pull away from her, but she hung on tight till he relaxed and began to cry. "I shouldn't h-have s-said that. It w-was wrong. I s-shouldn't have -"

"Stop it," She whispered, squeezing his hard. "Just stop it. It's time to let go of the blame!"

"What if I can't JJ, what if I feel this way for the rest of my life?"

"You're the profiler… you tell me." She released her death grip on him and she actually smiled.

"It won't last forever… anger is just one step in the grieving process, one day I'll get to acceptance."

"Yeah… I think you're getting there already. Come on… sit down and tell me all about your mother and the good things you remember."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue

"Amen," The pastor intoned. The group around the grave sight echoed him. Reid stood at the left side of the grave, with his hand in JJ's holding it so tight it hurt, but she didn't complain.

"Diana Reid's son, Dr Spencer Reid, would like to say a few words." The pastor gave him a reassuring smile and moved aside.

"I tried to think of something to say that would summarize my mother's life, and I realized that you don't have years to stand here and listen to me go on and on so I want to tell you part of a story she loved. It's about two toys: a rabbit and a skin horse.

_"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" _

_"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." _

_"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. _

_"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." _

_"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" _

_"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all; because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand. Once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always." _

"I love you Mom… Thank you for giving me the chance to be real." One solitary tear rolled down his face. JJ reached up and wiped it away with a one of her index fingers.

The day was clear and bright with golden light. The flowers around the grave were white, and red and pink. They were all her favorite colors. There were dozens of people dressed in black, and grey and charcoal, gathered around the coffin that gleamed under the tent the mortuary had set up for the comfort of the guests.

JJ hadn't realized how many friends Diana Reid still had, but there were doctors, and lawyers, and teachers and many others that had cared about her and her son. She watched them all place white daisies on the casket, his mother's favorite flower, and then they all said a few words to him. He was patient and spoke to all of them. When the guests were gone, seven people remained gathered around each other like a talisman against the evil eye.

"Hey man… I hope you know I thought very highly of your mama. It was a great honor to meet her and I wish I could've known her better."

"Thanks Morgan…"

"You take care of yourself and when you're feeling up to it you call me." Morgan said clapping him on the shoulder.

Garcia had been clutching Morgan's hand for the entire service, but now she let him go and grabbed Reid up into a rib cracking hug. "What he said goes double for me sweet cheeks. You let JJ take care of you, and when you're ready, I want to see you in my office." She commanded.

Yes ma'am!"

Morgan and Garcia left the tent and walked down the green, grassy hill to their rental car. Garcia turned back once and winked at Reid, who couldn't help but smile back at her.

"Reid… I didn't know your mom, but I'm sure she was the greatest, after all you're pretty great yourself." Emily told him, stepping up to hug him.

"She was," He sniffed. "In her own way she was." He repeated, squeezing JJ's hand.

"I'll see you later." Emily followed Morgan and Garcia down the hill and past a large elm tree to the cars.

"I'm sorry about your mom Spencer. I'm glad I got to meet her." Hotch said. His intense dark eyes were full of storms and sorrow, but also hope, and Reid was glad to see it there. Hotch left the tent taking the same path as the others, as though following an unknown signal.

Rossi approached last and laid a fatherly hand on Reid's shoulder. "I never met your mother, but I read the case file she helped close. What I do know, tells me that she was a brilliant woman. I wish I could've have met her."

"Thank you David."

"Hotch told you two to take all the time you want, right?"

"Yeah… he did."

"Good, I'll see you when you're ready." He left the tent.

JJ turned to the casket and said. "Mrs. Reid… I'm sorry that you had such a rough time in this life, but you had a great son and he's going to be okay. I'm going to look after him. I want you to know that I love him very much and I'll watch out for him. We all will!"

"Thanks JJ…" Reid wrapped his arms around her waist.

"I love you Spencer Reid. I'm sorry I didn't say it before. Believe it or not, it was easier to say it to your mom." She laughed through her tears.

"It's okay. I get it. I love you too. Thanks for putting up with me for the last three days."

"I'm not putting up with you, silly man. I love you! Do you want some time alone?"

"Yeah… is that okay."

"Of course it is," she wriggled out of his grasp and headed back to the limo that had brought them to the graveyard.

Reid faced the casket and began to speak, "Mom… I'm going to miss you so much. I hope that if there is a life after this, that you're happy and that you're free of the schizophrenia. I wish we could have had more time together, but I'm going to be okay." He ran a hand over the casket and put the last daisy on the coffin.

"Don't worry mom… I'm going to be fine. I have all my friends. I never thought I'd have real friends, but I do. I have friends and they care about me. Thank you mama… Thank you for giving me life. I'll always love you."

He kissed two fingers, and brushed them across the surface of the polished wood before leaving the coolness of the shade for the sunny day, and JJ.

_A/n the story quoted in this chapter is my favorite part of "The Velveteen Rabbit." It was written by Margery Williams, and I give her all the credit for it's beauty and brillance. _


End file.
